How to Understand Your Partner's ADHD and Support Them to Thrive

Speaker A: 00:00:05

Hi, everyone.

Speaker B: 00:00:06

Welcome back to another episode of the.

Speaker A: 00:00:08

ADHD Women's well Being Wisdom.

Speaker B: 00:00:09

It's a Sunday episode and I wanted to share with you a conversation that I had quite a while back with Ryan Ridgway.

Speaker B: 00:00:16

He is a motivational speaker, trainer, and a member of Hummingbird.

Speaker B: 00:00:21

Now, he talks in this episode about his partner's ADHD and also how that affected his relationship and how he supported her.

Speaker B: 00:00:29

And he also opens up about his own mental health struggle and how he helps other people now that he is able to have processed his own struggles and his own challenges with his mental health.

Speaker B: 00:00:39

And I really felt that this conversation was very helpful because he was able to see his partner's ADHD and understand it and be compassionate and forgiving and support her.

Speaker B: 00:00:50

And I know that back when it was first released, lots of people shared this with their partners and they found it very helpful as well.

Speaker B: 00:00:56

So here is my conversation with Ryan Ridgway.

Speaker A: 00:01:00

I mean, going back to your partner, and I know that's what you came here to talk about because I do think this conversation will be really helpful for anyone that's listening, that is, we're living with a person with adhd.

Speaker A: 00:01:11

How's it affected you?

Speaker A: 00:01:12

How did it affect your relationship, your dynamics?

Speaker A: 00:01:16

And what's the diagnosis brought now after, you know, after you've had that realization?

Ryan Ridgway: 00:01:22

I think it would have affected our relationship a lot more if I didn't work in the world I worked in because, you know, I almost could fight and campaign against judgment, against stigma.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:01:31

So whereas she'd been labeled a lot in the past, if I didn't have the awareness that I've got, then it would be easy to fall into some of that frustration.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:01:39

But things like the impulsivity, I mean, we make a joke out of it.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:01:43

I don't know if we've got a child free weekend if I'm going to end up on a boat to France or sat in front of the tv.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:01:49

And I struggle with that because with ocd, I don't like change.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:01:53

It's the overwhelm, it's the stress, it's the inability to focus on one task.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:00

These things in a family home with two kids.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:03

I know Jamie's amazing.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:04

She's got a business, she's got two kids.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:06

She's done so well up to the age of 35.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:09

But it affects me more seeing her in distress, you know, when she has those, those kind of periods of complete overwhelm and tears and that self labeling and self judging from a personal perspective, you know, I'm the one that will kind of get up early and I've got good sleep regulation, good emotional regulation.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:31

But we kind of balance each other out.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:33

You know, I'm happy to get up early, I've got ocd.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:35

One of my superpowers is I am ultra organized, ultra meticulously planned out.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:40

So that's where we balance.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:44

But it's more effective me because, you know, see someone you love, you care about, who's having these struggles and you know, I'll try and help or support and nothing, nothing quite fit, nothing quite, quite worked.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:02:57

When we got the diagnosis, that helped us both lots because it was that period of acceptance for Jamie and I've had full GD pass on off and for confidentiality to share her story.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:08

So she's happy to talk about it.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:10

But when she got that, that diagnosis, suddenly she kind of just freed herself.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:15

That guilt and that self judgment, that self stigma of oh wow, there's, there's a reason for this.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:20

I'm not, I'm not lazy.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:21

I'm not used to not all these things that have perhaps been suggested to me and said to me before.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:26

There's this, this kind of release, this weight was lifted where she was like, I accept this, this is who I am and that's okay.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:34

And I'm not absolutely okay.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:35

Let's work on it together.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:37

It can be a superpower.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:39

It's not something to be afraid of or ashamed of.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:03:42

It is a part of you and that is absolutely okay.

Speaker B: 00:03:45

Yeah.

Speaker A: 00:03:46

I mean, firstly, she must be so grateful to have someone like you as a partner who is so open to this narrative, to be able to talk about this, who understands this world.

Speaker A: 00:03:55

And unfortunately there's so many people out there that, you know, don't have a partner that is open minded or perhaps they just shut it down or you know, they don't believe in ADHD or everyone's got a little bit of adhd.

Speaker A: 00:04:08

You know, we hear this a lot from different people.

Speaker A: 00:04:10

This sort of invalidation or the able, ableing the situation where it's just kind of like, oh, everyone, everyone deals with that or everyone loses focus or everyone, you know, struggles emotionally and that, you know, once you start opening up a little bit and then someone shuts it down, it's almost like you retract even further back into yourself.

Speaker A: 00:04:31

So she must grateful that you have a level of understanding like that.

Speaker A: 00:04:36

But also, I know from, you know, you sound a little bit like my husband because he, he's not been diagnosed with ocd, but I do think there's, there's a bit there.

Speaker A: 00:04:46

He's also, you know, an early riser, very routine led, Very, very routine led.

Speaker A: 00:04:51

And his traits, whatever, they are very helpful to me because I'm the one that struggles to get, get up in the morning.

Speaker A: 00:05:00

He has, I'm not ashamed to admit it, he has every single morning since we've been together brought me a cup of tea, like puts it on the bedside table because he knows that that caffeine is going to get me up.

Speaker A: 00:05:12

So it's kind of like this intravenous thing.

Speaker A: 00:05:14

Puts it on my, on the thing.

Speaker A: 00:05:16

I gives me five minutes to drink my tea and then I'm like, okay, I can deal with the world.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:05:21

Makes me laugh so much because that me like the whole kind of 18 months, it sounds a really short period of time but we fit a lot into that 18 months.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:05:29

I'm the one making the coffee and I think on occasion I've had to make three coffees where they'll go cold or make another one go cold.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:05:35

And she started medic vacation two weeks ago and it was the first time in our relationship and I was still waking up early 6am and I woke up and she's there awake with a coffee in hand and I was like, wow, where, where's this come from?

Ryan Ridgway: 00:05:50

This is, this is, this is different.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:05:52

And she's like, yeah, I just feel so clear minded.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:05:55

She described it as so alert but, but focused but not kind of like high or you know, like you've had several cups of caffeine.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:05

She just felt really, really present and clear mind different.

Speaker A: 00:06:10

So.

Speaker A: 00:06:11

And you mentioned that she runs a business.

Speaker A: 00:06:13

I've just been curious what is it that she does?

Speaker A: 00:06:15

Because people with ADHD when they run their businesses they have to really be passionate about it and I'm interested to know if it's like a passion led project.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:24

Absolutely.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:25

She's a hairstylist but they're very much into color.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:30

She's had the first salon for five years.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:33

They've won awards.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:34

She's so creative with it.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:36

When she's in that creative space she's just, just so passionate.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:42

And then we opened a second salon together.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:45

So it's great to see her in, in that world that she just comes into her own.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:49

You know, she's in this creative space, so focused, so enjoying what she does.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:06:54

But the other side of running that business was things like the finances, the admin, the emails and we see that build up and overwhelming and that's when you know it should really be affected in terms of her mental health by what she'd state would be her adc, I just can't do the emails.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:07:11

I just can't vot focus on this or that.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:07:13

And that frustration would come out.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:07:15

And, you know, that's when it was really hard to see because I'd be like, I can help, I can do this, I can do that.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:07:18

But she just wanted to be able to, to do it herself and have a reason why she couldn't all of her life.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:07:24

So, yeah, she is, she's very creative.

Speaker A: 00:07:27

Yeah, I mean, I.

Speaker A: 00:07:28

Again, it.

Speaker A: 00:07:29

First of all, it resonates from a personal perspective because I was exactly the same to my husband before I was diagnosed and I used to sort of come to him and just, why can't I do it?

Speaker A: 00:07:37

Why, why is everyone else able to do this and that?

Speaker A: 00:07:40

And why can they cope?

Speaker A: 00:07:41

Why do they not get overwhelmed?

Speaker A: 00:07:44

Do I just want to, like, shut everything down and just like walk away?

Speaker A: 00:07:47

And he didn't have the answers, but he would try very kindly to sort of show me what I was good at and, you know, delegate, find someone, get an assistant, you know, do whatever you need to do to help in that matter.

Speaker A: 00:07:59

And I have to say I've always been quite good at delegating and seeing where I do need that help, you know, whether with its childcare or bringing in someone to help me clean the house or thankfully, in my business, I've got an assistant now who is just amazing, all the techie bitty things and she's fantastic.

Speaker A: 00:08:16

She just literally will just pick up something.

Speaker A: 00:08:18

I'll just, you know, leave her a message and, you know, in five minutes it's done.

Speaker A: 00:08:21

That would have taken me like three hours, but the three hours it would have taken me would have been tears, frustration, self criticism, beration, anger, emotional dysregulation.

Speaker A: 00:08:31

And that in itself is just so exhausting where now I can focus on the stuff that I enjoy and good at.

Speaker A: 00:08:37

And it feels like sort of similar with, with your partner that she, you know, obviously she's creative and she thrives off, you know, all the creative side of hairdressing.

Speaker A: 00:08:46

But to not be able to do fundamental, what we believe are fundamental things to run a business, you know, but I always sort of like, look at it as people who, you know, running in these huge, you know, global empires, they're not doing it all themselves, they've got massive teams, but they're not told, oh, you're not worthy of running that business, or you don't really, shouldn't really run that business even, you know, because they've Got ahead of, of marketing and ahead of accounting and all of that.

Speaker A: 00:09:13

But we, I think our ADHD negative mind that has always struggled has just gone.

Speaker A: 00:09:20

You know, I talk about something called the dmn, the Default Mode Network.

Speaker A: 00:09:24

And in adhd, sort of from a neurological perspective, it's a much louder part of our brains which much more prone to self criticism and this negative bias where all we do is focus on the stuff that we can't do.

Speaker A: 00:09:38

So you know, maybe let her know about that.

Speaker A: 00:09:41

The DMN is a very, very strong part of our brain.

Speaker A: 00:09:45

You know, you can kind of remember it's the demon, like the demon side of our brain likes to do all the talking.

Speaker A: 00:09:50

But actually when we recognize it, we say, right now actually I'm a shit hot hairdresser, I've got amazing clients, I'm winning awards and not, oh, I can't quite keep it with my emails, you know, that's, that's when we can start reframing the adhd.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:06

And that's where maybe there's some similarities for me and Jamie with the ADHD and ocd, because that part of my brain, that internal dialogue that will condemn and try and mitigate the risk of anything going wrong ever.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:19

And look at it this way and that way.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:20

And when it does go wrong, it's almost like I've given my brain an impossible task.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:24

I've said to my brain, make sure nothing goes wrong in my life ever.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:28

Make sure it only ever goes right.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:29

So when it does go wrong or not, how I expect, you know, Ryan, you're useless.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:34

Ryan, why can't you do this?

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:35

Can't do that.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:10:36

So there are some kind of crossovers and similarities between us that we can talk about and explore together.

Speaker B: 00:10:42

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker A: 00:10:43

So I mean, moving forwards now, what's Jamie, what's her plan now with her adhd?

Speaker B: 00:10:48

Is she just happy to stay on.

Speaker A: 00:10:50

The medication and is she doing anything sort of like holistically where she can, you know, support herself?

Speaker A: 00:10:57

Because I genuinely believe that medication can be fantastic for, for many people.

Speaker A: 00:11:02

But I do think that if we're not supporting ourselves from a lifestyle perspective because we are prone to overwork.

Speaker A: 00:11:09

If you, you know, you'll, you'll often spot a workaholic entrepreneur with adhd.

Speaker A: 00:11:14

Burnout is much higher.

Speaker A: 00:11:16

You know, we're prone to overwhelm anxiety, worry.

Speaker A: 00:11:19

We also have that switch off from literally going, right, you've done enough work today because there's always more.

Speaker A: 00:11:25

Our brains are always going, so we could always keep achieving.

Speaker A: 00:11:29

So I'm wondering, is she identifying with anything sort of lifestyle wise, moving forwards 100%.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:11:36

That's all the stuff we kind of explored before diagnosis and before medication, because that's the realm I work in and teaching all those wellbeing approaches such as mindfulness, walks in nature, meditation, exercise, good sleep, all of that stuff we tried to put in place and she'd love it and embrace it for a little bit.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:11:57

But then she describes it as, I know I want a need to do that.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:01

I just can't, I just cannot, for whatever reason connect the dots.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:05

So I believe the journey recovery is much more than just getting good at taking tablets, whether it's mental illness or, you know, ocd, adhd.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:13

So now she's on the medication, she's able to enjoy and embrace all that stuff.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:19

So it's a whole journey of, if you want to label it as recovery, that's going to adapt and evolve and we'll kind of reflect on that as it takes its twists and turns.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:28

But yeah, absolutely.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:29

Now all the wellbeing approaches that she tried to do before or maybe done for a little bit, she's now fully moving into that space and she's going to look at some coaching as well from a woman with adhd because I think that relatability would be really good for us.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:44

So we're seeking that out and constantly looking to add things into that mental health toolkit.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:49

What else could help?

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:50

What else is needed now rather than, that's the route, that's what I'm going to stay on and maybe that will work for a bit, maybe it won't, maybe it'll change where it'll stop.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:58

Same with my ocd.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:12:59

I can't just go, right, that's my blueprint for happiness.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:13:01

I'm going to stay like that because it does, it's evolved, it's changed, it's affected my life in different ways, ways as life goes on and there's different circumstances.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:13:10

So we'll, we'll keep seeking out more knowledge, more awareness, mostly from your great podcast and seeing what else is out there to help her live a full and happy and present enjoyable life.

Speaker A: 00:13:22

Yeah, I mean, it sounds like she's living with the right person.

Speaker A: 00:13:26

Tell me a little bit about what you do for yourself and I guess what you advocate for when you're speaking to other men with mental health, health.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:13:32

Challenges, trying to break down the stigma and the judgment because still men have this inherent feeling or belief that it is weak to talk out or they can't or they shouldn't show emotion.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:13:44

But because of My background, I mean, I'm 41 and back in my day get say that at the age of 41, sound like my dad.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:13:51

Back in my day, no one talks about mental health.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:13:53

So I've had a bit of a rough journey on that kind of middle generation.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:13:56

But the only tools I had back then was, was fighting.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:13:59

I'm a former professional cage fighter.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:01

I did the door, I'm covered in tattoos.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:03

And that was me projecting to the world I'm not weak, I'm fine.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:08

When actually on the inside I was this kind of bored, bullied, scared little boy.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:14

So what I try and encourage is it doesn't matter what you do, cage fighting, boxing, ballet dancing, poetry.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:20

If life is going to happen at you and for you, then you need to be able to communicate, talk and share.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:26

And Interestingly, it was March 24 last year that I was sectioned under the Mental Health act for suicidal crisis and it was Jamie that played an active role in saved my life.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:38

So we've got an incredible connection and relationship from that.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:42

So for me personally, it's continuing to learn, grow, accept and try new things.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:48

What I used, the tools I used back then won't necessarily be effective now.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:14:53

I need to continue to grow and evolve and consider new ideas and strategies to keep my mental illness from having a negative grip on my life.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:15:00

Because I'll never be cured of ocd, but I can be in recovery with it where it doesn't affect my life negatively.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:15:05

And I've got a couple of superpowers, like being ultra organized.

Ryan Ridgway: 00:15:08

I can, I can live with that.

Speaker B: 00:15:14

So I hope you enjoyed listening to this shorter episode of the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Podcast.

Speaker B: 00:15:20

I've called it the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Wisdom because I believe there's so much wisdom in the guests that I have on and their insights.

Speaker B: 00:15:29

So sometimes we just need that little bit of a reminder and I hope that has helped you today and look forward to seeing you back on the brand new episode on Thursday.

Speaker B: 00:15:38

Have a good rest of your week.