ADHD Dating and Creating Lasting Connections with Relationship Expert, Moe Ari Brown
Dating with ADHD can bring its own set of challenges, but it also offers unique strengths.
In this week’s episode, I speak with licensed marriage and family therapist Moe Arie Brown, Hinge's love and connection expert, to unpack the intersection of ADHD and modern dating. Moe also serves as a diversity & equity consultant and on the board of directors for It Gets Better Project, a non-profit organisation dedicated to uplifting and connecting LGBTQIA+ youth around the globe.
What You’ll Learn:
✨ Why dating apps can feel overwhelming for individuals with ADHD.
✨ Practical strategies for communicating more effectively and reducing dating anxiety.
✨ How to embrace your ADHD traits as strengths while understanding the impact of RSD on building meaningful connections.
✨ How an all-or-nothing mindset can lead to intense emotions followed by boredom and how to navigate these feelings effectively.
✨ Insights from Hinge's Love and ADHD Date Report on neurodivergent dating experiences.
✨ The importance of self-awareness, boundary-setting, and authenticity in dating.
If you’ve ever felt drained by small talk or struggled with the fast-paced nature of online dating, this episode is packed with practical tips and advice. Learn how understanding your ADHD can help you navigate the dating world with confidence and compassion, leading to deeper connections and more fulfilling relationships.
My key takeaway was that with our ADHD awareness, communicating our needs clearly can significantly enhance our dating and relationship experiences.
Timestamps:
- 02:59 - Challenges of neurodivergent dating
- 09:15 - Navigating relationships with ADHD awareness
- 21:46 - Understanding neurodivergent relationships
- 28:24 - Navigating neurodivergence in dating
Connect with Moe on their Instagram account, @loveoutproud.
Read: Love and ADHD: Hinge’s New Report
Have a look at some of Kate's workshops and free resources here.
Kate Moryoussef is a women’s ADHD Lifestyle and wellbeing coach and EFT practitioner who helps overwhelmed and unfulfilled newly diagnosed ADHD women find more calm, balance, hope, health, compassion, creativity, and clarity.
Follow the podcast on Instagram here.
Follow Kate on Instagram here.
Find Kate's resources on ADDitude magazine here.
Transcript
Welcome to the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Podcast.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'm Kate Moore Youssef and I'm a wellbeing and lifestyle coach, EFT practitioner, mum to four kids and passionate about helping more women to understand and accept their amazing ADHD brains.
Kate Moore Youssef:After speaking to many women just like me and probably you, I know there is a need for more health and lifestyle support for women newly diagnosed with adhd.
Kate Moore Youssef:In these conversations, you'll learn from insightful guests, hear new findings, and discover powerful perspectives and lifestyle tools to enable you to live your most fulfilled, calm and purposeful life wherever you are on your ADHD journey.
Kate Moore Youssef:Here's today's episode.
Kate Moore Youssef:Today we're talking about something very cool, very exciting.
Kate Moore Youssef:We're talking about ADHD and dating and I have with me Mo Arie Brown here from the States.
Kate Moore Youssef:But what we're going to be talking about specifically is using the apps and understanding the challenges and how we can make this whole field a little bit more neurodivergent friendly.
Kate Moore Youssef:So let me introduce Mo now.
Kate Moore Youssef:Mo is Hinges, love and connection expert and a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Kate Moore Youssef:They also serve as a diversity and equity consultant and on the board of directors for It Gets Better Project, a non profit organization dedicated to uplifting and connecting LGBTQIA + youth around the globe.
Kate Moore Youssef:I was going to say the world, but the globe.
Kate Moore Youssef:We can, we can deal with both.
Kate Moore Youssef:Very welcome to the podcast.
Mo Arie Brown:Thank you so much for having me.
Mo Arie Brown:I'm excited to be here.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, me too.
Kate Moore Youssef:I am.
Kate Moore Youssef:Like I said, this is like a conversation that we've not really properly had on the podcast before.
Kate Moore Youssef:So when I got an email from Hinge asking, would you like to talk about, you know, neurodivergent dating?
Kate Moore Youssef:I was like, yes, absolutely.
Kate Moore Youssef:And the funniest thing is I said to your, to your colleague in the email is that my nickname in our family is Auntie Hinge because I have all these gorgeous, amazing older nieces and they're all in their, like 20s and I'm always trying to help them, you know, find love and matchmake and all of this.
Kate Moore Youssef:And so they have kind of just got a bit sick of me and I'm now just anti Hinge because I'm always sending them, do you know this guy?
Kate Moore Youssef:Do you know this person?
Kate Moore Youssef:So it's just funny.
Kate Moore Youssef:So as soon as I got the email from Hinge, I was like, I have to do it, I have to talk about it.
Kate Moore Youssef:So, yeah, and like I said, I've been married for over 21 years.
Kate Moore Youssef:So me and online dating I.
Kate Moore Youssef:This is, like, new territory.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'm really excited to dive in.
Kate Moore Youssef:I've spoken to my community, I speak to my clients.
Kate Moore Youssef:I understand what's going on.
Kate Moore Youssef:But from a personal perspective, I've not.
Kate Moore Youssef:I've not lived, you know, this.
Kate Moore Youssef:This new era of online dating.
Kate Moore Youssef:So perhaps we can just dive in and maybe tell me a little bit about, I guess, what the challenges are for people.
Kate Moore Youssef:Neurodivergent people are finding themselves in this new kind of era where finding love is all online and through the apps.
Mo Arie Brown:So right off the top of my head, what's coming to mind is that we have.
Mo Arie Brown:We have the honor of having a research team at Hinge.
Mo Arie Brown:They are our Hinge Labs team.
Mo Arie Brown:They conducted a survey, a study that we just put out, called the Love and ADHD Date Report, and that stands for data, advice, trends and expertise.
Mo Arie Brown:In this report, we found that daters with ADHD are 22% more likely than daters without ADHD to find, you know, social communication overwhelming and.
Mo Arie Brown:And dating online overwhelming.
Mo Arie Brown:And so that says a lot that they're daters with adhd, that there are significant challenges happening around communication, making matches.
Mo Arie Brown:And I think as we go deeper into the report, and I encourage anybody to look at it, we really are looking at two main challenges.
Mo Arie Brown:There are some commonalities, some common threads.
Mo Arie Brown:Those two main challenges end up being navigating small talk and replying or responding to our matches.
Mo Arie Brown:And so for daters with adhd, these become the two areas that we really wanted to focus in the most.
Mo Arie Brown:If I were to lay out what's happening, those are the two things, the two biggest things that we found out from daters with ADHD that's, like, really impacting their ability to connect with people.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, totally.
Kate Moore Youssef:I mean, I hear that from a friendship perspective, where people find it hard to keep up with friendships, where, you know, like, people are communicating on WhatsApp groups and it's too overwhelming.
Kate Moore Youssef:But also, like, that small talk for us, it's really exhausting.
Kate Moore Youssef:You know, I would prefer to have a big, long, deep, and meaningful, and I find that energizing and uplifting.
Kate Moore Youssef:But if I have to talk about what I've done at the weekend and where I get my nails done and where I'm going on holiday, I'm just like, you know, I just can't deal with it, and I come back and I'm drained, and I need to kind of, like, lie down in a dark room.
Kate Moore Youssef:So it just shows, doesn't it, that I think that's why many neurodivergent people are attracted to each other because we kind of cut the bullshit.
Kate Moore Youssef:We go straight in.
Kate Moore Youssef:We want to have the deep conversations, we want to go there.
Kate Moore Youssef:And these potentially what may be deemed as socially awkward conversations to us, we just.
Kate Moore Youssef:We just say it as it is, where, you know, in neurotypical environments, it can feel a little bit kind of like abrupt or abrasive or however you want to, you know, deem it.
Kate Moore Youssef:So I guess, what.
Kate Moore Youssef:What does Hinge do?
Kate Moore Youssef:Is there a specific way that Hinge works and helps neurodivergent data?
Mo Arie Brown:Oh, that's a good question.
Mo Arie Brown:I have a personal and profess connection to adhd because as a therapist, I've worked with a lot of people over the years, but then in my personal life, I have an.
Mo Arie Brown:A diagnosis of adhd.
Mo Arie Brown:So this is like all of what you said.
Mo Arie Brown:I'm like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Mo Arie Brown:At Hinge, we are really committed to people finding quality connections, creating love.
Mo Arie Brown:And so we want people to ultimately meet on Hinge and then get off of the app.
Mo Arie Brown:I think that the connection being our premise and being, like, at the center of what we do, really is a part of the environment that I think all daters experience and definitely daters with adhd.
Mo Arie Brown:So we released this report because we really care about what's happening for daters with adhd.
Mo Arie Brown:So if you.
Mo Arie Brown:If you're on Hinge, you're.
Mo Arie Brown:You're not familiar with Hinge, I'll just, like, say, like, for anybody on Hinge, I would suggest utilizing a number of features that can help your connection process a bit better.
Mo Arie Brown:So starting with using prompts or other features that allow you to really highlight your interest on your profile.
Mo Arie Brown:So whether you're putting that in your bio or you're using prompts or you're using voice prompts to, like, share your own voice and display what you're interested in, I think that can.
Mo Arie Brown:Those often end up being ways in which your matches can start conversations with you already about the things that you're interested in.
Mo Arie Brown:So you can kind of skip the small talk, but it still can be small talk adjacent where you're not going too deep too, too quickly.
Mo Arie Brown:I think for daters with adhd, this is, like, really important because they're not just getting a.
Mo Arie Brown:Like, they're also usually getting a conversation starter.
Mo Arie Brown:And those conversation starters are much more likely to.
Mo Arie Brown:To lead to dates.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, I like that.
Kate Moore Youssef:And I think after we've had a diagnosis or an awareness, and the many people who have gone for decades and decades of their life of not knowing that they were neurodivergent but struggled in relationships.
Kate Moore Youssef:And I've seen that generational pattern as well in their family where they kind of just see divorce and chaos and different partners, and that's just kind of been like the norm.
Kate Moore Youssef:And then when they get the diagnosis, they can kind of go, oh, so that's, that's kind of why, like, there's certain things with my ADHD or autism that I struggle with.
Kate Moore Youssef:I struggle with the social connection or being too honest or masking or not being able to kind of communicate my needs, all things like that.
Kate Moore Youssef:So I think it's really important.
Kate Moore Youssef:And when we get that awareness, we can almost commit to dating, like more authentically and unmasking and saying, you know, like, I want to be, feel safe and show people who I am and be okay with this is what helps me.
Kate Moore Youssef:These are accommodations or these are, this is the way I like to have my first date.
Kate Moore Youssef:Like, I can't.
Kate Moore Youssef:Interesting.
Kate Moore Youssef:I had a friend who, she's been on lots of different dates.
Kate Moore Youssef:She's been single and all things like that.
Kate Moore Youssef:And she just, I can't sit and table eye contact and having to talk to somebody.
Kate Moore Youssef:So I said to her, like, why don't you just go on a dog walk?
Kate Moore Youssef:Go on a dog walk, go during the day, go and have a coffee.
Kate Moore Youssef:You don't have to commit.
Kate Moore Youssef:And she just said the dog walk.
Kate Moore Youssef:And the walking is actually a much easier way because they have to make eye contact, they're moving.
Kate Moore Youssef:It feels productive.
Kate Moore Youssef:And so it's just interesting, isn't it, that when you have that awareness, you can navigate your relationships and your dating life accordingly?
Kate Moore Youssef:I guess from, like, from your perspective as like a therapist, do you think that having that awareness can really revolutionize the way you take your dating life?
Mo Arie Brown:Oh, absolutely.
Mo Arie Brown:I love what you just said.
Mo Arie Brown:I think it's a prime example of, you know, that awareness increasing authenticity and I think even adding to awareness, I encourage daters to even be accountable for then their dating process.
Mo Arie Brown:And so accountability looks like what you described is like kind of offering what works best for you and not just kind of leaving it to the other person to decide.
Mo Arie Brown:And I think this often happens when we center daters with who don't have adhd.
Mo Arie Brown:They're pretty typical in the dating population.
Mo Arie Brown:And so when they expect responses in 24 hours, like 70, 70 plus percent of hinge daters who desire their responses in 24 hours, then they're kind of setting the tone.
Mo Arie Brown:But there's an opportunity for daters once you Know you.
Mo Arie Brown:You are experie ADHD symptoms to go ahead and say what works for you.
Mo Arie Brown:So I love that example of kind of taking the reins and saying and being vocal about what you need in the dating space.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, I guess it might be perceived as rude if, like, there's kind of like a standard to what the.
Kate Moore Youssef:If you've been on the apps before and someone messages you and then they don't respond for.
Kate Moore Youssef:You know, so is that.
Kate Moore Youssef:I guess it's.
Kate Moore Youssef:It's a.
Kate Moore Youssef:It's a social hierarchy or a system that if you're.
Kate Moore Youssef:If you find it hard to read what the different systems are and what is perceived as rude or we don't feel the need to respond within 24 hours.
Kate Moore Youssef:Are we 24 hours or we forget we get distracted.
Kate Moore Youssef:And then it would be so lovely to have a compassionate person who kind of says, oh, okay, they've got adhd.
Kate Moore Youssef:So even though I don't have it, I can kind of get why they may.
Kate Moore Youssef:They may have got distracted and that's why they didn't respond.
Kate Moore Youssef:What is interesting is if more people understood things like RSD rejection, sense of dysphoria, and how much that impacts dating, I presume.
Kate Moore Youssef:And also that feeling.
Kate Moore Youssef:I mean, I can't even imagine.
Kate Moore Youssef:But if you.
Kate Moore Youssef:And again, forgive me if I don't quite know the literacy with Hinge, but if you're.
Kate Moore Youssef:I don't if it's swiping or not swiping, but if you kind of see someone that you like and then they don't reciprocate, that can feel like a bit of a dagger in the heart.
Kate Moore Youssef:How do you navigate that with rsd?
Mo Arie Brown:Yeah, no, it's a really great question.
Mo Arie Brown:I think at Hinge, we really are prioritizing quality over quantity and really encouraging daters to really focus in on.
Mo Arie Brown:I would say especially daters experiencing any kind of ADHD symptoms like to focus in on quality matches, quality connections, people that share your interest instead of focusing on a lot of people at once.
Mo Arie Brown:I think that that's overwhelming when you have too many messages on any.
Mo Arie Brown:Any app, your email, whatever, is just too much.
Mo Arie Brown:It can be overwhelming.
Mo Arie Brown:I think for daters with adhd, we're more likely to turn off our phones to stop getting that incoming contact, and then we might not end up responding to our messages and things.
Mo Arie Brown:And so for daters experiencing any kind of rejection sensitivity, I think it's important to take your time, be compassionate with yourself.
Mo Arie Brown:This rejection is.
Mo Arie Brown:It's.
Mo Arie Brown:I would, I would say if you're experiencing rejection Sensitivity, I as a therapist want to normalize it like that's going to happen as you're putting yourself out there.
Mo Arie Brown:The dating process is so vulnerable.
Mo Arie Brown:It is like you showing your best self and putting your best foot forward.
Mo Arie Brown:And so I think that some of that is a lot of this process is necessary.
Mo Arie Brown:And though the rejection sensitivity is also a real painful experience that can kind of hijack this, the beauty of that process as well.
Mo Arie Brown:And so it's important to kind of check in with yourself regularly as you make connections and notice for yourself it when those check ins need to happen.
Mo Arie Brown:For some people they need to happen after dates.
Mo Arie Brown:So after you go on a date with someone, checking in with yourself about how you're feeling or checking in after if the date doesn't go well or if you don't want to continue matching, checking in after that.
Mo Arie Brown:But for other people, the check ins might need to happen.
Mo Arie Brown:If you've tried to match with several people and you haven't gotten any matches, that can be the moment to check in.
Mo Arie Brown:So I'd say knowing yourself is really important in that process.
Mo Arie Brown:And then I am a big supporter of like affirmations and having like a toolkit, like a little backpack if you will.
Mo Arie Brown:And so in my backpack it's like a lot of affirmations and reminders to myself that I am love, that I am worthy of love, that love easily comes to me, that I easily attract love, that I easily put out love.
Mo Arie Brown:And so those are what my affirmations look like.
Mo Arie Brown:And I just encourage daters to have their own toolkit of like self love and self encouragement in that process.
Mo Arie Brown:But RSD is a real thing.
Mo Arie Brown:And so if you're also experiencing those symptoms, talk to a therapist about those symptoms as well as you navigate through the dating process because there is a lot of rejection inherent with that process.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, I love that.
Kate Moore Youssef:And I'm also a big fan of, of having the affirmations and also recognizing the triggers of when we're looking for that external validation.
Kate Moore Youssef:What I wanted to also ask is again we have with ADHD and I don't want to generalize too much but this sort of novelty seeking, we can get bored easily and without using the dreaded word the ick.
Kate Moore Youssef:But I, I always, I, I also see this happen where if I using this term correctly because again I'm like in my 40s but when people love bomb and they, they have this sort of novelty and everything's amazing and all of a sudden just something happens and it could just be they, they said something in the wrong way.
Kate Moore Youssef:Or they, they saw a picture and all of a sudden they got this ick and then the novelty's gone.
Kate Moore Youssef:They want to shut the whole thing down.
Kate Moore Youssef:It can be related to this kind of like all or nothing thinking.
Kate Moore Youssef:Where I see it happen with, with business and career and friendships that we get totally all involved, all consumed.
Kate Moore Youssef:And then we could just wake up that next day and go, not feeling it anymore.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'm done.
Kate Moore Youssef:And it's, there's a lot of.
Kate Moore Youssef:Sometimes it can be self sabotage and sometimes it can be like, what is wrong with me?
Kate Moore Youssef:Why can't I just be on this more even keel?
Kate Moore Youssef:And we, we kind of live life a bit more of it in a roller coaster until, and I feel from a personal perspective this is what happens until we just find that sweet spot that really works for us.
Kate Moore Youssef:And I'll use say, a career as an example that we could work in the corporate, in like in a corporate field for years and years and years and we feel burnt out, exhausted and drained.
Kate Moore Youssef:It's kind of a bit like a toxic relationship.
Kate Moore Youssef:We kind of get rewards from it, but actually the benefits are just not, not there anymore.
Kate Moore Youssef:And then we say we become an entrepreneur, we work for ourselves.
Kate Moore Youssef:We work for more like holistic smaller boutique agency, whatever that might be.
Kate Moore Youssef:And all of a sudden we kind of blossom again and we kind of get our environment.
Kate Moore Youssef:We, we're working within what, all the modalities, I guess, that are helping us thrive.
Kate Moore Youssef:Do you see this happening a lot with the neurodivergent dating world where it is a bit kind of up and down and, you know, this sort of contrast of we're all in and then that's actually, I'm done, I'm out.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah.
Mo Arie Brown:Many daters with ADHD desire like diversity, excitement, novelty excitement for certain.
Mo Arie Brown:It's like once things become a little bit more routine or boring, it can be harder to keep engaging.
Mo Arie Brown:And for some people, this happens quicker than others.
Mo Arie Brown:And so I guess my advice would be to, and I love the example of your friend from earlier because I think this is something you can do throughout the dating process is to infuse excitement back into the process.
Mo Arie Brown:So even if you're with the same person or you've been seeing them maybe like four to five dates, and you wake up one morning and you're like, this is just, this is boring.
Mo Arie Brown:I don't want this anymore.
Mo Arie Brown:Really check in with yourself around your boundaries.
Mo Arie Brown:Have you asserted all the necessary boundaries?
Mo Arie Brown:Is there some part of your communication that does not work for you?
Mo Arie Brown:So I encourage daters to switch from texting to talking or something that's a little bit more animated.
Mo Arie Brown:Interesting.
Mo Arie Brown:So if there might be things that you need to switch up that are causing that feeling that you're having, so continuing to check in with that, I think will help figure out if you're just done with the relationship or if there is some monotony happening.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, I think it's so powerful, isn't it, when you have that.
Kate Moore Youssef:Understand that self understanding of, like, is it a novelty thing?
Kate Moore Youssef:And do we need to switch things up if, like, we've done three dates with the same person as each one has been going for a drink or, you know, going for a meal and actually going to do something fun or active or creative or go.
Kate Moore Youssef:Go to a concert or, I don't know, do something that's just totally different.
Kate Moore Youssef:Because even when you've been in a relationship for as long as I have, sometimes it can be like, oh, I don't want to go out for another meal, let's go and go for a swim.
Kate Moore Youssef:You have to.
Kate Moore Youssef:You have to constantly seek that novelty when you do have adhd because you kind of know what happens on the flip side, where we can just, maybe just throw a match and want to burn it all down when we know even though that person could be really good for us.
Kate Moore Youssef:And also recognizing that that person who potentially you might be getting a little bit bored with or the novelty is going because the mundanity of life's coming in with adhd.
Kate Moore Youssef:And again, I'm generalizing, perhaps speaking from my perspective, we kind of need a bit of a solid foundation.
Kate Moore Youssef:So we might need a partner that might not be exactly the same as us, because if we're prone to kind of spontaneity and flightiness and impulsivity, to have two people like that is a bit chaotic.
Kate Moore Youssef:But if we kind of seek someone who compliments that side and doesn't criticize it or denounce it or ridicule or invalidate all those different things, but kind of like, hold that space for us so we can be the.
Kate Moore Youssef:The one that is like, oh, let's go and do something fun today, and, you know, forget all our chores.
Kate Moore Youssef:And then he would be like, that's really fine.
Kate Moore Youssef:Well, they would be like that.
Kate Moore Youssef:And they could just be.
Kate Moore Youssef:But we need to get home because there is stuff that needs sorting in the house as well.
Kate Moore Youssef:And that I think sometimes we need to understand that we.
Kate Moore Youssef:Even though it might not be the most exciting option to have a little bit of difference where we complement each other and then that other person who might be more kind of routine led or structure led might need someone like us who can kind of, you know, be like, let's do something different.
Kate Moore Youssef:Let's try something new.
Kate Moore Youssef:Let's break away from the routine.
Kate Moore Youssef:And I actually spoke to a journalist about this a few weeks ago.
Kate Moore Youssef:They were writing an article, article about neurodivergent dating and how ADHD and autistic partners tend to find each other.
Kate Moore Youssef:It's not uncommon for one to be adhd, want to be autistic or the neurodivergence sort of spectrum to be kind of slightly different on each side.
Mo Arie Brown:Wow.
Mo Arie Brown:Very interesting.
Kate Moore Youssef:It was so interesting.
Kate Moore Youssef:And what we worked out was that we do complement each other and as long as we have awareness there, it's when neither one of the partners understand their neurodivergence and they, they, there's shame there and there's guilt and there's blame and there's self criticism.
Kate Moore Youssef:But when we understand it, I mean we give it space and compassion and tenderness and all of that, we can hold space for each one.
Kate Moore Youssef:So we know when there's anxiety or when there's worry or overwhelm.
Kate Moore Youssef:And my overwhelm might, might show up differently to my husband's overwhelm.
Kate Moore Youssef:And it's, it's like complimenting.
Kate Moore Youssef:So I guess it's, I comes, it comes back to awareness and getting to know yourselves.
Kate Moore Youssef:Maybe before you go on the dating apps, kind of, maybe a bit of self love and, and working on that, doing the inner work before we go on the apps to do the kind of, the external validation.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'd love to hear your therapist.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'm.
Mo Arie Brown:Yeah, no, I love what you just said.
Mo Arie Brown:I, I think you who gave a beautiful case for where I center a lot of my therapy work, which is a strength based approach.
Mo Arie Brown:And so when I think about strengths, I think about what you described, which is like knowing yourself, knowing your partner or the person you're dating.
Mo Arie Brown:Everybody kind of bringing their own things to the table, putting them out in the open, having conversations about them and what you do well, you just keep doing and what they do well, they keep doing and we compliment each other.
Mo Arie Brown:I think like you said, if we come to the table and we're not aware of our strengths, oftentimes we just focus in on the challenges.
Mo Arie Brown:And so what strength based approaches do to relationships, to therapy, to anywhere in the world, to work environments, they help us to collaborate better because everybody's bringing their best to the table and we're, we're taking the best of each person and we're putting it together to make something amazing.
Mo Arie Brown:So I really offer that to daters with adhd.
Mo Arie Brown:Not seeing how you show up as a deficit, not seeing your challenges always as weaknesses or growing edges.
Mo Arie Brown:Certainly the parts that maybe make it harder for you to listen may feel challenging in the dating space, but then there are parts for.
Mo Arie Brown:For many people with adhd, we have this ability to focus on things that we're really interested in for a long time.
Mo Arie Brown:And so that might make dates feel very seen and heard if we are just so into their conversation that we're.
Mo Arie Brown:We are not breaking eye contact for a long time.
Mo Arie Brown:Yeah.
Mo Arie Brown:And so whatever your strength is, really amplify that in the dating space.
Mo Arie Brown:Be encouraged because you don't only have challenges, you do have strengths.
Mo Arie Brown:And so identifying them and really amplifying them can help you to know what you bring to the table.
Mo Arie Brown:That's also good.
Mo Arie Brown:I am definitely a supporter of coming to the dating space, really knowing yourself, being self compassionate, being self loving, and not only seeking that externally, really having that internally before you come to the dating space.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, for sure.
Kate Moore Youssef:And I think, you know, this generation, and I say this generation because it's maybe my generation.
Kate Moore Youssef:Your generation, younger generation, is that we're.
Kate Moore Youssef:We're the.
Kate Moore Youssef:Probably the first.
Kate Moore Youssef:I would say maybe my generation, like 40s, 50s, who are understanding the neurodivergent patterns in their family, they're understanding this awareness.
Kate Moore Youssef:So if they're getting a diagnosis later on in life, they can then look back and kind of go, I can kind of understand why my parents split up.
Kate Moore Youssef:I can understand where there was dysfunction, there's chaos.
Kate Moore Youssef:There was several, you know, different relationships, different partners in and out the house, all of that.
Kate Moore Youssef:They can start connecting those generational, connecting those dots and recognizing what.
Kate Moore Youssef:And using that, unfortunately, the pain, but also is for like productive power and to kind of say, I don't want to do that.
Kate Moore Youssef:I don't want my relationship to be like my parents relationship, or I don't want my kids to be brought up in a house the way I was brought up.
Kate Moore Youssef:And so we do have this responsibility to do the work because we have this awareness, which is amazing, but we have to do that work and kind of say, right, well, this is an amazing strength that I have with my adhd.
Kate Moore Youssef:But I also have these challenges where I can go from 0 to 100 in like emotional dysregulation or I can misconstrue a situation because of rsd or I, you know, I'M going to speak from a female perspective, like from a hormonal perspective.
Kate Moore Youssef:We can suffer from pmdd.
Kate Moore Youssef:We can suffer from, you know, really difficult hormonal imbalances.
Kate Moore Youssef:And that can sabotage relationships.
Kate Moore Youssef:You know, early perimenopause.
Kate Moore Youssef:We know this is much more common now in neurodivergent women.
Kate Moore Youssef:So we are understanding the role that hormones play and maybe how that can derail relationships.
Kate Moore Youssef:You know, not.
Kate Moore Youssef:Not from, like, blaming a woman's hormones, but also having this understanding that, yes, for a week of the month or maybe longer, I am going to be more sensitive, I am going to be more depleted, my mood is going to be much lower.
Kate Moore Youssef:And to be able to have that open and honest conversation with a partner and say, we need to work together on this.
Kate Moore Youssef:Like how Instead of maybe 30 or 40 years ago, you know, women were deemed kind of hysterical or neurotic or out of control or, you know, she's having a nervous breakdown.
Kate Moore Youssef:Like all these terrible, stereotypical ways that women would be deemed.
Kate Moore Youssef:And then obviously, you know, again, I'm talking about kind of very traditional relationships here.
Kate Moore Youssef:But, you know, this is why you can see certain breakdowns of partnerships.
Kate Moore Youssef:So, yeah, I think it's fascinating to be able to dissect this because we are in this moment in history where there's more understanding societal conditioning is kind of dismantling a little bit.
Kate Moore Youssef:We're able to recognize this patriarchal system that we've been part of and we can make choices, like informed choices, where I guess maybe our parents and our grandparents weren't able to make these informed choices.
Mo Arie Brown:So, yeah, what you just said is powerful because it does speak to self empowerment, the ability to know what's happening for yourself and your relationship, and then that giving you the power to change something.
Mo Arie Brown:And so I love that you highlighted the.
Mo Arie Brown:The strengths, but also the challenges that we have to be accountable for so that we can change our history essentially, so that the same patterns that we saw growing up or in relationships around us growing up don't have to wreak havoc on our own relationships.
Mo Arie Brown:So this really gets back to this, you know, coming to the dating space, knowing what you're working with.
Mo Arie Brown:And it's like, you might not know everything.
Mo Arie Brown:You might.
Mo Arie Brown:Because I think so much of dating is really understand understanding yourself better.
Mo Arie Brown:It's definitely a space for exploration.
Mo Arie Brown:But some part of this is really coming to the table with that self compassion, that self awareness, the self accountability to really kind of roll up your sleeves and do the work of relationships.
Mo Arie Brown:You have really talked plenty, I think, in this episode about what it means to be in a long term relationship.
Mo Arie Brown:You said 20 something years and every thing you've said has been a testament to the work that has to happen in order for you to stay in that relations or the shifts that have to occur.
Mo Arie Brown:It's the evolutions, the growth, the change.
Mo Arie Brown:And so when we think about dating, it's just kind of like the beginning of all of that.
Mo Arie Brown:And you know, everybody has a different outcome that they're looking for when it comes to dating, but connection really is at the core of it.
Mo Arie Brown:And so our diagnoses don't have to prevent us from having quality connections.
Mo Arie Brown:And so I want anybody who walks away from this episode to really understand that your diagnosis of ADHD is like one part of who you are.
Mo Arie Brown:We've talked so many, so much in this episode already about intersectional identities and how they add to the tapestry of your identity and so really see ADHD as like one aspect of your identity.
Mo Arie Brown:I don't want you to walk away thinking, oh, I'm never going to be able to find love because it's not true.
Mo Arie Brown:You can totally create the love that you're seeking and ADHD actually does not have to get in the way of that.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, absolutely.
Kate Moore Youssef:And my last question is, do you have like a drop down or whatever you call it on, on Hinge where you can say you're neurodivergent, it's just there.
Kate Moore Youssef:And you can, and you want to be, you know, connected to other neurodivergent people.
Mo Arie Brown:So I would encourage people, if you want to put this on your profile, to definitely put this in your, your bio or to fill out a prompt that feels like relevant.
Mo Arie Brown:So maybe the prompt might be, I can't think of one off the top of my head, but something that allows you to be able to share with them information that you really want them to know.
Mo Arie Brown:You can use a voice prompt to do this however, feels comfortable.
Mo Arie Brown:But I would say if you want to display that on your profile, to just go ahead and put it in your bio or use a prompt.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, I think, I mean, again, because I'm not doing this, but I would think that it would feel like a, an easy place to just disclose it because you're not then having to two or three dates down the line say, oh, you know, I've got adhd.
Kate Moore Youssef:I was speaking to someone the other day and she was in her early 30s and she said that her boyfriend had ADHD and she didn't know that he had ADHD until like six months later, when she found his medication and he was embarrassed and he was ashamed.
Kate Moore Youssef:I know.
Kate Moore Youssef:And I just felt so sad for him that he kind of had to keep it a secret because of the stigma.
Kate Moore Youssef:That's still.
Kate Moore Youssef:That's still there with ADHD that, you know, there's still so much ignorance and miseducation and lack of knowledge and just such outdated responses to ADHD or I have it all the time.
Kate Moore Youssef:Oh, you don't look like you've got adhd or how can you have ADHD and all of that.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'm like, you know, nothing.
Kate Moore Youssef:Because they just think it only looks specifically in, like, one thing.
Kate Moore Youssef:But I wonder if it would feel just easier just to disclose it.
Kate Moore Youssef:And it's there.
Kate Moore Youssef:And if someone doesn't want to die, you know, date someone neurodivergent, that's fine, but at least it's there and it's.
Kate Moore Youssef:It's open.
Kate Moore Youssef:I don't know what I would do.
Kate Moore Youssef:I mean, what would you suggest to people?
Mo Arie Brown:I suggest as long as you feel comfortable, definitely sharing that up front.
Mo Arie Brown:So whether it's in the first conversations or on your profile, I say give context.
Mo Arie Brown:The context is really important because I imagine that you're sharing it with a purpose.
Mo Arie Brown:It's like you want people to know that your responses may take longer, or you want people to know that if you don't reply right away that, you know, you're not ignoring them.
Mo Arie Brown:And so maybe in those first couple of messages and say, hey, you know, I'm only on, you know, hinge once a day.
Mo Arie Brown:And it's because I'm really trying to free.
Mo Arie Brown:Free my life of a lot of distractions because I have adhd and I'm really trying to manage the day dating space in a way that really supports me.
Mo Arie Brown:So don't take this as a lack of interest.
Mo Arie Brown:That's like how I would share this with someone early on.
Mo Arie Brown:But I definitely think that it's better from my perspective to support your matches in supporting you.
Mo Arie Brown:And so they.
Mo Arie Brown:It.
Mo Arie Brown:It leads to less misunderstanding, less miscommunication.
Mo Arie Brown:We actually found out in our report that three out of four hinge daters with ADHD feel misunderstood by their matches because of these kinds of expectations that daters will respond within 24 hours and things like that.
Mo Arie Brown:So there's this misunderstanding that's happening to avoid that.
Mo Arie Brown:I think we having having these conversations up front will help a lot.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, I love that.
Kate Moore Youssef:Is there a way that people can access the research that you've done?
Mo Arie Brown:Yeah, absolutely.
Mo Arie Brown:It's the best way, is probably to check out Hinge co.
Mo Arie Brown:We have a page on the site where you can look at our most recent press releases blog posts.
Mo Arie Brown:And so the report would be one of those most recent press releases.
Mo Arie Brown:I think that's the easiest way.
Mo Arie Brown:Or you could do a quick Google search for Hinge.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'll put it on the show.
Kate Moore Youssef:Notes.
Mo Arie Brown:Okay, perfect.
Mo Arie Brown:Yeah, the song would be great.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah.
Kate Moore Youssef:Because I think people would be really interested to have a look at that research and really see what's.
Kate Moore Youssef:What's going on and on the ground.
Kate Moore Youssef:Because everyone's experience is different, but it's also quite validating to be able to kind of get.
Kate Moore Youssef:Okay, so it's not just me or it's not just me experiencing this or feeling this.
Kate Moore Youssef:Right.
Mo Arie Brown:I think there are also daters featured in that report too.
Mo Arie Brown:And so it could.
Mo Arie Brown:It would definitely be very validating to hear other people's experience.
Mo Arie Brown:Experiences.
Kate Moore Youssef:Yeah, for sure.
Kate Moore Youssef:And it just, you know, creates that sense of community that we're not all alone and we're here together.
Kate Moore Youssef:And hopefully the more we talk, we have these conversations that we are just normalizing, just normalizing this conversation so people don't feel like it's only them experiencing this type of thing in the dating world.
Kate Moore Youssef:I've really loved this conversation, Mo, thank you so much.
Kate Moore Youssef:It's been really interesting.
Kate Moore Youssef:A little insight into.
Kate Moore Youssef:Into a bit of a world that I'm not really part of.
Kate Moore Youssef:But it's fascinating and I think everyone deserves love and everyone deserves connection and ADHD or not.
Kate Moore Youssef:We all deserve the, you know, love and compassion and understanding and care and all of that.
Kate Moore Youssef:So thank you so much.
Kate Moore Youssef:And I will make sure tell people if they.
Kate Moore Youssef:If they're interested in.
Kate Moore Youssef:Do you see people online?
Kate Moore Youssef:Are you doing.
Kate Moore Youssef:Do private consultations?
Mo Arie Brown:Yeah, so I mostly, I do have a private practice here in the States.
Mo Arie Brown:It's called Transcendent Therapy.
Mo Arie Brown:But if you want to connect with me on social media, connect with me at Love Out Proud.
Mo Arie Brown:I'm Love Out Proud on Instagram and Tick Tock and listen to my podcast, be your own love Ghost podcast.
Mo Arie Brown:It's a podcast I do with my wife weekly.
Kate Moore Youssef:Amazing.
Kate Moore Youssef:Okay, I will.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'm going to check that out.
Kate Moore Youssef:So that sounds awesome.
Kate Moore Youssef:Sounds great.
Kate Moore Youssef:Thank you so much.
Mo Arie Brown:Mo, thank you so much for having me.
Kate Moore Youssef:I really hope you enjoyed this week's episode.
Kate Moore Youssef:If you did and it resonated with you, I would absolutely love it if you could share on your platforms or maybe leave a review and a rating wherever you listen to your podcasts and.
Kate Moore Youssef:And please do check out my website ADHD womenswellbeing.co.uk for lots of free resources and paid for workshops.
Kate Moore Youssef:I'm uploading new things all the time and I would absolutely love to see you there.
Kate Moore Youssef:Take care and see you for the next episode.
