Slowing down to help prevent ADHD Burnout

Host: 00:00:02

So welcome to a first episode of the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Wisdom.

Host: 00:00:07

Little short, bite sized pieces of wisdom that I've curated from all the many, many episodes that have been recorded over this time.

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And I really hope that this short insight will help you on the week ahead.

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And on today's short episode you'll hear from Kim Ray.

Host: 00:00:24

And Kim is a burnout coach for ADHD women entrepreneurs and she has written a fantastic book called Square Pegs.

Host: 00:00:33

Let's hear from Kim.

Kim Ray: 00:00:37

One of the things as well is it is that whole thing of self acceptance.

Kim Ray: 00:00:40

So it's getting to the point of realizing that, you know, actually when we can slow down, we can be so much more productive, we can be so much more creative.

Kim Ray: 00:00:51

We can actually use the talents of ADHD to our advantage.

Kim Ray: 00:00:57

Whereas when we are going all the time, it's very difficult because it gets really scrambled and so the symptoms come up and it's kind of like that crash and burn.

Kim Ray: 00:01:06

Off I go again, crash and burn.

Kim Ray: 00:01:08

And then comes in the self doubt and the, the erraticness.

Kim Ray: 00:01:12

I think that can sometimes come and that can cause quite a lot of the shame that women can feel around their adhd, particularly when they don't know that that is adhd.

Kim Ray: 00:01:24

So I think it's setting expectations and education and I think it's understanding how to harness these things.

Kim Ray: 00:01:32

So for example, like hyperfocus.

Kim Ray: 00:01:34

Hyperfocus is phenomenal, something that we have.

Kim Ray: 00:01:37

It's amazing.

Kim Ray: 00:01:38

I used it last night myself, but actually I used to use it all the time and I used to not be aware of that I was hyper focused.

Kim Ray: 00:01:47

And actually that that wasn't necessarily a good thing because I would go and go and go.

Kim Ray: 00:01:52

And the analogy, you know, you said explaining about the nervous system and the brain, we're not great at listening to our bodies.

Kim Ray: 00:02:00

We're not great, like you say, at picking up those signals.

Kim Ray: 00:02:03

So I, and I see that, you know, it would be a complete crash and then it's wipe out.

Kim Ray: 00:02:08

So actually when somebody's been through that and they see that that actually affects their productivity, that affects their, their profitability and their revenue and you know, the cultures within their business, then it's like, okay, how do I manage this?

Kim Ray: 00:02:22

And understanding that actually less is more.

Kim Ray: 00:02:26

But to say that to someone with ADHD is, it's not, it's not always very helpful.

Kim Ray: 00:02:34

I understand how I work and I know that actually I'm a sprinter and I need to build around that, the downtime before and after and then I can go.

Kim Ray: 00:02:46

So having that you know, plan to my year, plan of what's coming up in my business as opposed to being reactive all the time.

Kim Ray: 00:02:54

And I think that when we're reacting, that's when we can find ourselves thinking, oh, okay, that's brilliant.

Kim Ray: 00:03:00

I've got have my head down to the detriment of everything else.

Kim Ray: 00:03:04

Health, family, friends, fun, all of those things.

Host: 00:03:07

Yeah, you know, I'm resonating with everything you say, but I know so many people will be because it's knowing that we can try and switch off.

Host: 00:03:16

I mean when you talk about switching on the hyper focus, that's when we can really utilize it for its good and then be like, okay, thank you so much there.

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Thank you for doing what you needed to do.

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But right now I'm going to honor that.

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I now need to go and have a long walk with my dog.

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I now need to just go meet a friend for a coffee and.

Host: 00:03:35

Because I think we could be naturally workaholics.

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I mean so many, I know so many women in business with ADHD who probably don't see their friends very often.

Host: 00:03:44

They get sucked into especially this kind of world with like coaching and everything's virtual and online.

Host: 00:03:50

We can just be sort of sat in front of our laptops for hours and the, you know, they just go away and you kind of get to the end of the day and it's like, oh my God, I've not moved, I've not eaten, not.

Kim Ray: 00:04:01

And that's, that's usually actually can be like one of the killer questions that really can wake women up is like, I'll say, so, so what do you do for fun?

Kim Ray: 00:04:13

And it'll be like, what?

Kim Ray: 00:04:16

Sorry, I, I, you know, I've got my business.

Kim Ray: 00:04:18

Okay, so when did you last see your friends?

Kim Ray: 00:04:20

And you know, I have them say, I haven't really got any friends, I don't have friends.

Kim Ray: 00:04:24

And then, then they'll go to a point of like that adds into oh, I don't have friends.

Kim Ray: 00:04:29

And I said to one of my clients recently, I said, you say you've not got friends.

Kim Ray: 00:04:32

You need to understand the reason you haven't got friends is not because you're not a friendly, likable person.

Kim Ray: 00:04:37

It's because you aren't making time to allow these people in your life.

Kim Ray: 00:04:42

Because it's all to do with work.

Kim Ray: 00:04:44

You know, it's like my friends are peers and colleagues.

Kim Ray: 00:04:48

That's one of the things.

Kim Ray: 00:04:49

It's like, what are you doing for fun?

Kim Ray: 00:04:51

Because work is, it's there to serve a purpose and we're like, we know if we're interested that hyper focus, we can switch it on.

Kim Ray: 00:05:00

And when we're passionate, it just is all encompassing.

Kim Ray: 00:05:03

But there's more to life.

Kim Ray: 00:05:06

And I sometimes think again, I think as you get a bit older and you, you know, like the burnouts become longer and more debilitating, you start to think, hang on, what's going on here?

Kim Ray: 00:05:17

What's happened?

Kim Ray: 00:05:18

How have I got into this place?

Host: 00:05:20

And especially with hormones and menopause and that's when typically we see, I think, the more extreme highs and lows that women are starting to really understand their energy and see where they're, you know, they're.

Host: 00:05:33

Where they're not sleeping properly, where anxiety showing up more.

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And like you say, that workaholic tendency of just being in work mode doesn't support us as well as it used to.

Host: 00:05:44

Maybe we're not getting the same buzz.

Kim Ray: 00:05:46

And we don't have the resilience.

Kim Ray: 00:05:48

And that's not, like I say, you know, in our 30s or.

Kim Ray: 00:05:51

And if anyone's listening to this in their 30s, you know, I used to say, like, listen in your 30s because actually you can set the foundations that will take you through to, you know, your 40s and 50s and beyond.

Kim Ray: 00:06:04

Because I know that in my 30s, I, I can remember my first sort of burnout and everything kind of came crashing down and I was, it stopped.

Kim Ray: 00:06:15

Everything stopped.

Kim Ray: 00:06:16

I went to bed, I didn't move or speak really for kind of two days, for a whole weekend.

Kim Ray: 00:06:22

We went on holiday and I came back and off I went again because I just topped myself up a little bit and I went on like that for quite a while, just topping up, topping up until, you know, I think I was 43, 44, and the big burnout came that took me months and months to, to recover from, you know, there was no more topping up.

Kim Ray: 00:06:41

And so I think that, you know, I see burnout a lot with adhd is in business and it's, it's something that I was going to say it's unnecessary, but it's very hard for us not to do.

Kim Ray: 00:06:56

And I don't think we should feel shame around the fact that it's happening.

Kim Ray: 00:07:00

But I think, you know, in our 40s, definitely we've got less resilience and so we need to really look at the balance in work and life.

Host: 00:07:08

Yeah, I mean, I just recently did a burnout workshop and it was really well attended.

Host: 00:07:13

Like, you know, sometimes, you know, workshops are a bit more niche, but this one, it really resonated with a lot of people.

Host: 00:07:20

And it was that I was sort of talking about, like, we're listening to the language of our body and it keeps tapping you on the shoulder and we can keep brushing it away and brushing it away.

Host: 00:07:30

But then, you know, like an episode like you mentioned where it takes months to recover.

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Those are the episodes where it's like, okay, we need to listen now.

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This is it.

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This is.

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We've had a big fat warning.

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We've had that bathroom floor moment where we either listen and things have to kind of really change or this is just going to be a cycle for the rest of your life.

Host: 00:07:49

And you can make a decision.

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You can choose now which way you want to turn.

Host: 00:07:53

So in a way, it's kind of like, thank you again for showing me how it is.

Host: 00:07:58

I want to move forward.

Host: 00:08:00

And if again, we've had this ADHD diagnosis or awareness, then it's like, okay, it's not going anywhere.

Host: 00:08:06

This tendency for me to kind of go full mode and then just crash.

Host: 00:08:11

Yeah.

Host: 00:08:12

Is not probably going to disappear.

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It's just going to manifest and show up in different ways.

Kim Ray: 00:08:17

Yeah.

Host: 00:08:17

So it's like, how do we want to live our life now?

Host: 00:08:19

Like, what choices do we want to make?

Kim Ray: 00:08:22

I think as well, what I also see and what I experienced myself for a long time after that was a real loss of confidence in my ability to get my head down and do the work.

Kim Ray: 00:08:33

So actually for a good few years.

Kim Ray: 00:08:37

And again, I see this now in clients, is they then hold back for moving forward in their businesses, for taking the next step, for scaling their businesses, because the fear that they are going to burn out is actually really great.

Kim Ray: 00:08:51

And they think, I do not want to go back to that place again.

Kim Ray: 00:08:54

And it doesn't need to be like that.

Kim Ray: 00:08:55

It really doesn't.

Kim Ray: 00:08:56

Because, you know, we are so good for business.

Kim Ray: 00:09:00

Our brains are perfect for it.

Kim Ray: 00:09:02

You know, we have.

Kim Ray: 00:09:03

We fail fast, we have ideas, we find solutions really easy, we're creative with, tenacious, and actually, we don't need to be afraid.

Kim Ray: 00:09:11

But we do need to pay attention to this part of us that actually can be our Achilles heel.

Kim Ray: 00:09:17

And understanding, you know, what I, what I see and have seen again, this is like going back the 17 years is enough.

Kim Ray: 00:09:24

Enough has always come up in coaching.

Kim Ray: 00:09:26

It's like the women who, they don't feel like they do enough, they don't feel like they have enough and they don't feel like they are enough.

Kim Ray: 00:09:32

And it's always, what's the next thing?

Kim Ray: 00:09:34

What's the next thing?

Kim Ray: 00:09:35

And, you know, I run a program called ADHD Business Mastery.

Kim Ray: 00:09:40

And we talk about, you know, having more focus, success, and confidence in business.

Kim Ray: 00:09:44

It's not about strategy.

Kim Ray: 00:09:45

It's about those three things.

Kim Ray: 00:09:47

But one of the things that comes up again is people that are building their.

Kim Ray: 00:09:51

That built their careers really quickly because it's like, what's next?

Kim Ray: 00:09:54

What's next?

Kim Ray: 00:09:55

What's next?

Kim Ray: 00:09:55

And there's no pause to celebrate what they've done.

Kim Ray: 00:09:59

So nothing ever feels enough because it's not recognized, it's not noticed, because it's just this constant need, the hyperactivity that keeps us needing to move forward and to stay in the moment is either uncomfortable or uninteresting.

Kim Ray: 00:10:15

And it's like, I've done that now, on to the next thing.

Kim Ray: 00:10:18

And quite often, you know, you speak to ADHDs and they tell you what they've done, and you're like a goss.

Kim Ray: 00:10:24

How have you managed to do all of that in one lifetime?

Kim Ray: 00:10:27

But I know how they do it because they don't stop to.

Kim Ray: 00:10:32

It's just never enough.

Kim Ray: 00:10:33

So it's always the next thing.

Kim Ray: 00:10:34

And I think that that drive is again, what makes us so phenomenal in business, but is what we really need to be careful of.

Kim Ray: 00:10:42

Because, you know, I speak to women that be like, okay, I, you know, like, working at night.

Kim Ray: 00:10:47

I did this last night.

Kim Ray: 00:10:49

I don't very often do it now.

Kim Ray: 00:10:50

And I think this is the difference for me now.

Kim Ray: 00:10:53

And what I try and work my clients is I have to work with my energy.

Kim Ray: 00:10:57

And actually there is that time when I'm in the flow and it's working and I need to pull it out the bag.

Kim Ray: 00:11:05

And, you know, I said to my husband, do you know what?

Kim Ray: 00:11:06

I'm just going to crack on tonight.

Kim Ray: 00:11:08

And I haven't done it for ages, but I did it last night and it worked really well today.

Kim Ray: 00:11:14

That's it.

Kim Ray: 00:11:15

But what can often happen is that night can go on to the next night and the next night, and that becomes a pattern.

Kim Ray: 00:11:20

And before you know where you are, you know, the nights are getting later, the mornings are getting later, the food's getting faster, the workouts are getting skipped, and, you know, social life's gone out the window, and you're in this place where work is just consuming you.

Kim Ray: 00:11:37

And I think that's.

Kim Ray: 00:11:38

That's part of our drive that we need to learn to kind of tame and harness, but not let it take over.

Kim Ray: 00:11:47

And that's been a real big change for me.

Kim Ray: 00:11:50

And something that I try and help my clients with is that actually, you know, there has to be balance.

Kim Ray: 00:11:56

Because if you.

Kim Ray: 00:11:57

If you don't do it, you can't play the game.

Kim Ray: 00:11:59

You can't win at the game.

Host: 00:12:00

Oh, my God, Kim.

Host: 00:12:01

I'm sat here just like, hanging on to every word of yours because I know all of this, but I can see myself in this description 100%.

Host: 00:12:10

You know, what you were describing then, this drive.

Host: 00:12:14

I mean, I had.

Host: 00:12:15

I had a podcast before this called the Ambitious Mum, and you might have heard me talk about on other episodes, but it was before I was diagnosed, and for me, it was a curiosity and a deep dive into why have I got this ambition, this relentless ambition, navigating motherhood and having all the trials and tribulations of, like, being a mom with young kids at the time, but having this non stop restless mind that would never let me just enjoy being in the present moment.

Host: 00:12:45

Like, I couldn't just be a mum.

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And this.

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This ambition that just kept going.

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More, Kate, do more, do more.

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You're not doing enough.

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And so I had this podcast and I looked back at it and it was basically me, just an undiagnosed version of me.

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Go, tell me.

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Give me answers.

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I'm desperate.

Host: 00:13:01

And then finally, I got this diagnosis towards the end of the podcast series, and I actually interviewed an amazing woman called Diane Winger.

Host: 00:13:08

I don't know if you know, she's got a podcast called Driven Woman, and she, again, is a similar coach to us.

Host: 00:13:15

She's.

Host: 00:13:15

She's sort of like in a mid-60s, amazing, amazing woman.

Host: 00:13:18

And she's got a podcast called the Driven Woman, purely for women like us and probably a lot of your clients and mine who are just this motor that will not turn off and we have to reprogram, relearn the importance of creating balance and listening to our energy, because we can either be very sick, poorly, you know, mentally unstable versions of ourselves, or we can harness what we've got and thrive with this constant check in that why do I need to keep achieving more, why do I need to keep producing more?

Host: 00:13:55

And why do I need to keep doing more?

Host: 00:13:57

You're like, this is where we see all these women with PhDs and masters and five degrees, and it's still not enough.

Host: 00:14:04

And again, I understand because we've got this curiosity, this brain that just wants to keep learning, but how do we keep a tab on that, but still feed that interest LED brain, that curiosity, so we can feel this equilibrium that I'm always seeking and always trying to help my clients find as well?

Kim Ray: 00:14:26

Yeah, it's understanding that we're enough, understanding that what we do is enough.

Kim Ray: 00:14:32

And actually, you know, part of it is understanding that it's not.

Kim Ray: 00:14:39

It's okay to stand still for a bit and just to.

Kim Ray: 00:14:43

And I think, you know, one of the things that I do with clients, it's like we celebrate.

Kim Ray: 00:14:47

We celebrate the amazing things that you achieve because there's so many things that, you know, people tell me they've achieved and that they just brush off.

Kim Ray: 00:14:56

And I'm like, wow, hold on a minute.

Kim Ray: 00:14:57

I talk to clients, I say, okay, this idea of never having done enough in the day.

Kim Ray: 00:15:03

So I start with my clients and I'm like, okay, you pick three things that you're going to do that day in your business.

Kim Ray: 00:15:07

Three things.

Kim Ray: 00:15:08

And don't pick the three massive things, you know, but it might be, you know, I'm going to record a podcast, I'm going to, you know, schedule in a couple of posts and I'm going to send an email.

Kim Ray: 00:15:21

Whatever it is, when those things are done, you are done for the day.

Kim Ray: 00:15:26

Now if those things are done at 10 o'clock in the morning, you can carry on doing some work.

Kim Ray: 00:15:32

But the point is, you have done what you set out to do and you've achieved that and you acknowledge that.

Kim Ray: 00:15:38

And clients on the program said to me, that's been a real game changer because now I'm getting used to the fact of actually I've looked what I've achieved today as opposed to getting to the end of the day and staying up later and later and later because the deadline of the end of the day is looming and you can still do more, you still need to do more, you're still not done enough.

Host: 00:16:04

So I hope you enjoyed listening to this shorter episode of the ADHD Women's well Being podcast.

Host: 00:16:11

I've called it the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Wisdom.

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Because I believe there's so much wisdom in the guests that I have on and their insights.

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So sometimes we just need that little bit of a reminder.

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And I hope that has helped you today and look forward to seeing you back.

Host: 00:16:26

The brand new episode on Thursday.

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Have a good rest of your week.