Building your ADHD Scaffolding and Rediscovering Your Authenticity

Speaker A: 00:00:02

Hi everyone and welcome back to another wisdom episode.

Speaker A: 00:00:06

And I'm really excited to be bringing to you some topics I talk about in my brand new book, which is the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Toolkit.

Speaker A: 00:00:14

And over the next few weeks I'm going to be diving into the different topics and the different chapters and relate them back to previous episodes because everything I talk about in the book we talk about on the podcast.

Speaker A: 00:00:26

And I interconnect all the different themes because I just know how multi layered and multifaceted faceted living with undiagnosed ADHD can be.

Speaker A: 00:00:34

And there's so many questions and often we have more questions than answers.

Speaker A: 00:00:39

So I wanted to bring to you first of all, a fantastic guest I had on and correspond it to the first chapter of my book, which is all about awakening who you uniquely are.

Speaker A: 00:00:52

And it's part the book introduction and part of just the reflections of living undiagnosed.

Speaker A: 00:00:59

Perhaps not quite understanding who we authentically are, not accepting ourselves, questioning the self doubt, the lack of self trust, and beginning that journey of really just seeing who we are within and maybe making some different decisions and choices around how we want to show up now that we have this awareness.

Speaker A: 00:01:19

And I loved writing this chapter, I wasn't quite sure where it was going to fit, but it's now the beginning of the book because I really believe that just have this awareness.

Speaker A: 00:01:29

We start with awareness.

Speaker A: 00:01:30

We start with being able to see who we are and what we've let go of and maybe where boundaries have sort of been, you know, taken over and we haven't quite instilled them and start stepping into a curiosity about what life could be now that we understand our brains and our nervous systems and our stress response the way we do after an ADHD diagnosis.

Speaker A: 00:01:55

So what I want to share with you today is a episode that I did quite a long time ago now with Angela Raspass.

Speaker A: 00:02:03

Now, Angela is a self leadership coach and she's also an author and a speaker and a podcaster.

Speaker A: 00:02:09

And she helps people unlock their next level of potential through self leadership and strength, which is so much of what I work, you know, on with self empowerment and self trust and really leaning into what the inner nudges are saying, what's our inner wisdom telling us?

Speaker A: 00:02:27

And she has this background also in marketing and positive psychology and blends it all together to help more people really feel empowered with their biggest dreams and goals and create a more positive ripple impact in the world.

Speaker A: 00:02:43

So in this conversation we're talking about Angela's diagnosis at the age of 53, which I think is so inspiring for many people because it's never too late.

Speaker A: 00:02:51

And also the emotional stages, you know, from shock to relief to anger to sadness and this self acceptance so we can start leaning into a more positive self chapter in our life.

Speaker A: 00:03:01

And that's really what I talk about a lot in the book as well, is when we start accepting and processing and start trusting that maybe we do know better.

Speaker A: 00:03:10

And so much of that is part of everything I talk about in the book.

Speaker A: 00:03:14

And this importance of self awareness and understanding through our strengths, really leaning into those strengths and harnessing them and growing them.

Speaker A: 00:03:24

And instead of sort of having this torch, this flashlight and all our negatives and all our struggles, it is like gently moving, moving the flashlight over to what are we good at, what's easy, what's effortless, what's fun, what do we enjoy and start focusing on that instead.

Speaker A: 00:03:41

So I'm really excited to bring you this part of the conversation and start sharing more conversations around my book, which is now available to pre order.

Speaker A: 00:03:49

So if you just type in the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Toolkit, wherever you get books, it's available to pre order and it will be delivered to you on July 17th.

Speaker A: 00:03:58

So here is my conversation with Angela Raspass.

Speaker B: 00:04:02

I've been in business for myself for over 20 years and literally did not get diagnosed Till I was 53.

Speaker B: 00:04:09

So almost a year ago.

Speaker B: 00:04:11

And so there was a lot of time there where I was working with without self knowledge.

Speaker B: 00:04:16

And it's interesting how you were saying about that this could actually turn into one of the best things that's happened to us.

Speaker B: 00:04:22

That's actually the place that I've come to now for a couple of different reasons.

Speaker B: 00:04:26

But there were steps that I had to go through mentally and emotionally before I could actually say, hey, yeah, this late in life, diagnosis is a really positive thing and it can be for others as well.

Speaker B: 00:04:37

I'm sure I'm not alone.

Speaker B: 00:04:38

If I said to you that the sort of phases that I went through were surprise, like, seriously, like that explains so much of the way I show up in the world.

Speaker B: 00:04:48

And then there was like a sense of relief, like, okay, so it's not that I'm a little bit nuts or this or that, like there's actually a reason for this and I'm not alone.

Speaker B: 00:04:58

But then I got really cranky, like, oh my God, like why?

Speaker B: 00:05:02

Why didn't anyone notice this?

Speaker B: 00:05:03

And this real simmering resentment that especially in New Zealand and Australia, where I grew up and spent all my Time that ADHD was the naughty little boy syndrome.

Speaker B: 00:05:14

And so us women were very.

Speaker B: 00:05:15

Or us young women back then were very overlooked.

Speaker B: 00:05:18

Then I got really sad for all of the, you know, the.

Speaker B: 00:05:21

The cul de sacs and the dead ends and everything else that I went down or my ADHD impulsivity took me down.

Speaker B: 00:05:28

Then I got to acceptance, and now it's adjustment.

Speaker B: 00:05:31

It's like adjusting things so that I have what supports me, so that I can thrive as a woman who has ADHD and as a businesswoman and as a mom and all those other hats that we wear.

Speaker B: 00:05:43

But it took a little while to get to that spot.

Speaker B: 00:05:45

But now I can definitely view it as a positive thing.

Speaker B: 00:05:49

And that's not to minimize the struggles and the challenges, because they're real.

Speaker B: 00:05:53

They're absolutely real.

Speaker B: 00:05:54

It's not this, like, yay, fun sort of thing.

Speaker B: 00:05:57

But if we can choose, and especially through the lens of positive psychology, if we can choose to look at strengths that it does bring us and not to be afraid to get the strategies and the help and the assistance to plug the gaps.

Speaker B: 00:06:11

To plug the gaps.

Speaker B: 00:06:11

And then when once you've done that, like, suddenly there is so much more opportunity available to me because I understand the way I'm wired and I can make different choices.

Speaker B: 00:06:21

So I think it's hugely exciting.

Speaker B: 00:06:23

And for women who, who come to work with me or talk with me or I'm sure you.

Speaker B: 00:06:27

You have them all the time in your backyard saying, like, if I bring those pieces together, I can see the world in a really different way.

Speaker B: 00:06:34

It's like pair of glasses.

Speaker B: 00:06:36

So it's a really positive thing.

Speaker A: 00:06:38

Yeah.

Speaker A: 00:06:38

You describe that process and that process of, like, the grief and the anger and then the acceptance is something I often hear.

Speaker A: 00:06:47

Definitely something that I went through myself, but also what I hear a lot of the women go through.

Speaker A: 00:06:52

And I think sometimes it's hard to get out of the.

Speaker A: 00:06:55

The sadness and the anger and the grief unless we have a little bit of help and assistance.

Speaker A: 00:07:00

And that's why, you know, coaching can be so helpful, I think.

Speaker A: 00:07:04

Are you able tell us a little bit about what brought you to your diagnosis and I guess, what led you to being there and how that has helped you move forwards in your business?

Speaker B: 00:07:16

Well, funnily enough, there is.

Speaker B: 00:07:17

In Sydney, I do this very long walk at least once or twice a week with a good girlfriend around a place called Narrabeen Lakes.

Speaker B: 00:07:24

It's about an eight and a half kilometer walk.

Speaker B: 00:07:25

And this friend of mine had been diagnosed, and when we were walking, she Kept dropping little hints like, I think you should check, and a diagnosis, I think you have probably got it.

Speaker B: 00:07:36

And I was like, very dismissive.

Speaker B: 00:07:38

I'm so sorry, looking back now, because I had the thought, well, you just think everyone's got it now that you've been diagnosed.

Speaker B: 00:07:44

You know, that idea of once you choose a car, you see it everywhere.

Speaker B: 00:07:47

The same sort of concept, you know, the reticular activating system kicking in.

Speaker B: 00:07:52

But then the more I listened and I started to actually see little reels on Instagram, which I'm sure a lot of us see, and went like, oh, is that adhd?

Speaker B: 00:08:00

Oh, really?

Speaker B: 00:08:01

Is that?

Speaker B: 00:08:02

And then my daughter got diagn.

Speaker B: 00:08:04

She has a couple of different things going on, and she had got the diagnosis.

Speaker B: 00:08:08

And I started reading up to learn more about it for her.

Speaker B: 00:08:12

And it was when I was reading all the background material, I was going, I can't deny this any longer.

Speaker B: 00:08:17

And I actually said to my daughter, she's 20, my friend thinks that I have ADHD too.

Speaker B: 00:08:23

And she went, oh, duh.

Speaker B: 00:08:25

Where do you think I got it from?

Speaker B: 00:08:26

Why do you think it's taken so long for me to get a diagnosis?

Speaker B: 00:08:29

Because you thought I was normal, stuff like that.

Speaker B: 00:08:32

And I have a good friend in New Zealand who works with neurodiverse people.

Speaker B: 00:08:36

And I said to her, oh, ha, ha, ha, I think I might have adhd.

Speaker B: 00:08:40

And she went, well, I've actually seen many of that.

Speaker B: 00:08:44

And I went, that's it, okay, I've got to start listening.

Speaker B: 00:08:46

So I did.

Speaker B: 00:08:46

I went off and use.

Speaker B: 00:08:48

In Australia, you need to get a referral from.

Speaker B: 00:08:50

From a doctor to a psychiatrist where they put you through a lot of questionnaires.

Speaker B: 00:08:55

One of the challenges for me was you needed to show that the symptoms were present before the age of 12.

Speaker B: 00:09:02

But unfortunately, both of my parents are in nursing homes with dementia, so those weren't questions that I could ask.

Speaker B: 00:09:08

But funnily enough, when I went back To New Zealand 12 months ago now, I found my old school reports, and I always had the memory of doing really well at school, and I did great marks, et cetera.

Speaker B: 00:09:18

But this time I looked at the comments from the teachers.

Speaker B: 00:09:21

Things like, Angela needs to remember there's more people than just her in the class.

Speaker B: 00:09:26

Angela needs to think before she opens her mouth.

Speaker B: 00:09:29

Angela should take more care in the.

Speaker B: 00:09:31

In the playground, Angela.

Speaker B: 00:09:33

And I was like, oh, my God.

Speaker B: 00:09:34

I showed it to the psychiatrist, he said, there's your proof.

Speaker B: 00:09:37

And we decided upon going down the medication route.

Speaker B: 00:09:42

And the first time I took medication, I had literally no idea that my brain could be that quiet.

Speaker B: 00:09:50

I had no idea.

Speaker B: 00:09:52

I know medication isn't for everyone.

Speaker B: 00:09:54

Totally respect that.

Speaker B: 00:09:55

I know it doesn't work for everyone.

Speaker B: 00:09:57

I was one of the lucky ones.

Speaker B: 00:09:59

It was gobsmackingly incredible.

Speaker B: 00:10:02

And I just.

Speaker B: 00:10:03

The difference since then, we changed a couple of times just to get the actual dosage right.

Speaker B: 00:10:10

But now what happens?

Speaker B: 00:10:12

The way that I like to describe it, you know those little minions, the little yellow guys that you see in the movies, Little cartoon characters?

Speaker B: 00:10:19

Yeah.

Speaker B: 00:10:20

Well, it used to be before I took medication, when I'd wake up in the morning, it's like they were just, yay, she's awake.

Speaker B: 00:10:26

And like, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Speaker B: 00:10:28

Your ideas and things you have to do and everything just going crazy.

Speaker B: 00:10:32

And now it's like they all line up in a row and wait their turn.

Speaker B: 00:10:37

It's like I could deal with one thought at a time.

Speaker B: 00:10:40

It's.

Speaker B: 00:10:40

It's phenomenal.

Speaker B: 00:10:41

I just did not know that was possible.

Speaker B: 00:10:43

It's not perfect, but it is improved so, so, so much.

Speaker B: 00:10:47

And from a.

Speaker B: 00:10:48

From a business perspective, what it's done for me is the impulsivity and the compulsion.

Speaker B: 00:10:54

Those were the two overriding factors in my world.

Speaker B: 00:10:57

Like, I change directions, you know, by six times by lunchtime and then one after dinner.

Speaker B: 00:11:02

You know, I just found it really hard to stay on one track.

Speaker B: 00:11:06

And now.

Speaker B: 00:11:07

And I always thought, you know, my identity, my.

Speaker B: 00:11:10

My self belief was very damaged because I saw myself as someone that was flaky, that couldn't be consistent, had flashes of brilliance, but then lots and lots of mediocrity.

Speaker B: 00:11:22

So, yeah, I think that is common to a lot of women that I've spoken to now with ADHD who had that same poor self image in lots of.

Speaker B: 00:11:32

And I'm healing that.

Speaker B: 00:11:33

I'm healing that with help from a great therapist, from an ADHD coach, from, you know, having the medication and just finding my tribe, you know, talking to other women, hearing their experiences, listening to podcasts like yours, looking after myself so much better than I ever have, you know, physically and emotionally.

Speaker B: 00:11:51

It's just.

Speaker B: 00:11:52

It's been a game changer, utter game changer.

Speaker A: 00:11:55

I think, you know, the way you've just described all, you know, the different analogies there is just.

Speaker A: 00:12:00

First of all, I resonate so much, so, so much.

Speaker A: 00:12:03

And I'm glad to hear for you that medication has helped.

Speaker A: 00:12:06

And like you say, it's not perfect, and we do have to tweak and try different things, but for you to be able to.

Speaker A: 00:12:12

I think it's this combination isn't it of understanding, awareness and implementing different ways of being and then you know, the medication to bring that all together as well is, is fantastic.

Speaker A: 00:12:26

And you know, I also, you know, with the school report I look back and I saw very similar comments in different ways, but could see that now that you understand what ADHD looks like in girls, just see it's just so glaringly obvious.

Speaker A: 00:12:41

But there was just no support there.

Speaker A: 00:12:44

It was just kind of like just change, do better, try harder, fit in, you know, just do whatever you need to do just to kind of concentrate.

Speaker A: 00:12:52

But with no scaffolding or support or guidance or help at all.

Speaker A: 00:12:57

And it was the boys that were, that were getting that help.

Speaker A: 00:13:01

So yeah, I just hope that now that we are getting our kids diagnosed and we're able to kind of like break cycles in schools and teaching.

Speaker A: 00:13:11

But like you say, it's a healing process if, if we are getting this diagnosis, not 40s and 50s and I.

Speaker B: 00:13:18

Love the word that you just used, the scaffolding.

Speaker B: 00:13:21

Like that, that idea of us actually building a scaffold of support around really exploring what does that look like for an individual.

Speaker B: 00:13:29

Because we're going to have commonalities as women with, and business women with ADHD and women in general with adhd.

Speaker B: 00:13:35

We are going to have some commonalities but there will be unique bricks that we need to put into our scaffolding and it's going to look different for each of us like from a, from a wellbeing perspective.

Speaker B: 00:13:47

I took a sabbatical.

Speaker B: 00:13:48

It did coincide with some things that were happening with our family and I really needed to be available for one of my family members.

Speaker B: 00:13:55

But, but having that time and I'm very privileged to have been able to take it, but it allowed me for the first time in my entire freaking life to actually prioritize my own self care.

Speaker B: 00:14:06

I'd nibbled around the edges at it.

Speaker B: 00:14:08

You know, I knew that it was important, but I never prioritized it.

Speaker B: 00:14:12

And I think part of it is because I never paused long enough because of my wildly, you know, enthusiastic self, AKA ADHD self never really stopped for long enough to ask myself what I really wanted and needed.

Speaker B: 00:14:29

And having that sabbatical actually gave me the time to build that scaffold exactly how that word you just used.

Speaker B: 00:14:36

And it's that scaffolding which is keeping me not just upright but elevated these days.

Speaker B: 00:14:41

It's a very, very different life when I've got those nutrition and movement and spending time in nature.

Speaker B: 00:14:49

I even done some, you know, mindfulness.

Speaker B: 00:14:52

I can actually go to Yoga and keep my mind on the pose instead of thinking about the 17 other things that I'm going to do later that day.

Speaker B: 00:15:00

It's that ability to focus, which has really changed a lot.

Speaker A: 00:15:04

Really inspiring to hear, empowering to hear.

Speaker A: 00:15:07

And you know, you only just got this diagnosis, you know, just over a year ago.

Speaker A: 00:15:11

And so just to see what can change in a year, I think, you know, will be very helpful for a lot of women out there, especially women who kind of think, oh, I'm in my 50s, you know, what's the point?

Speaker A: 00:15:23

What's the point getting this diagnosis and what's it going to help me with?

Speaker A: 00:15:27

But actually that.

Speaker A: 00:15:28

That internal self and we're going to come on to this of like self leadership and maybe you can explain to us a little bit.

Speaker A: 00:15:35

It sounds all a bit sort of corporate and.

Speaker A: 00:15:38

But actually it's not.

Speaker A: 00:15:39

It's actually quite a sort of.

Speaker A: 00:15:41

I see.

Speaker A: 00:15:41

It's quite a spiritual term because we're going back to that internal compass of not looking for external validation, not being guided by other people and other ways of being.

Speaker A: 00:15:53

And it's actually back to our.

Speaker A: 00:15:55

Ourselves and in working intuitively with, with what is good for us.

Speaker A: 00:15:59

That's my take on self leadership.

Speaker A: 00:16:01

How would you describe it?

Speaker B: 00:16:04

I think you just described it beautifully.

Speaker B: 00:16:06

Absolutely beautifully.

Speaker B: 00:16:08

That.

Speaker B: 00:16:08

Very much that piece about the internal compass.

Speaker B: 00:16:12

When I started to move my work into this area, I was a little bit concerned that it did have a bit much of a corporate feel.

Speaker B: 00:16:19

It was like, oh, maybe this isn't for me as an individual, but it is absolutely for every woman as an individual because it is about coming back to yourself.

Speaker B: 00:16:29

It is about prioritizing what it is that you are here to do, if you're in a business sense, I guess, but also just really tapping in and working out what are my strengths, what are my values, what is my vision for this next chapter of my life and who am I becoming?

Speaker B: 00:16:46

Who do I want to be?

Speaker B: 00:16:48

That self knowledge place, which is the way that you would describe the inner compass, is the beginning of everything and really understanding what your strengths are.

Speaker B: 00:16:56

I became accredited in strengths profiling because when I was studying positive psychology and was exposed to the concept of strengths and recognizing how important it is as a woman with ADHD to stop trying to do things the way that other people think they should be done and instead to leverage the natural strengths that I had, that was.

Speaker B: 00:17:17

Is hugely, hugely important.

Speaker B: 00:17:19

And that idea of disconnecting from other people's definitions of success, letting go of the conditioning that us, especially as women, have experienced our entire lives as to the way that we should turn up and should do things.

Speaker B: 00:17:33

Self leadership is about recognizing that that's not our truth.

Speaker B: 00:17:37

So that's the first piece.

Speaker B: 00:17:39

The second piece in it is flexible thinking.

Speaker B: 00:17:42

And the more I looked at these pieces that I've brought together, the more I could see that it was my own life experience as an ADHD person which made me understand more more how important these were.

Speaker B: 00:17:54

So the flexible thinking is about not having all or nothing thinking, not catastrophizing, not getting stuck in that socialization piece of how things should be done, being really aware of our inner critic, you know, that internal dialogue and the sort of crap we say to ourselves sometimes and being able to sidestep that.

Speaker B: 00:18:16

And then the next piece was about emotional intelligence.

Speaker B: 00:18:20

So this is about self regulate self regulation, you know, being aware of our emotions.

Speaker B: 00:18:24

Go think of ourselves as like an iceberg.

Speaker B: 00:18:27

So when you're having a feeling, what's above the surface, but then digging below it and finding the cause of that, what's triggering that, how can we take care of ourselves and understand more about what we're feeling and why?

Speaker B: 00:18:41

And then from there, once you're bringing those pieces together, then it's about intentional action.

Speaker B: 00:18:46

And that's very much again where positive psychology comes in.

Speaker B: 00:18:49

Because we're setting the right goals for us, we're not borrowing from somebody else's playbook as to what are the goals that we should have.

Speaker B: 00:18:57

It's about using positive psychology to create towards goals.

Speaker B: 00:19:01

So goals that inspire and motivate and excite us.

Speaker B: 00:19:04

Because then you're much more likely to take action, not goals that we think we should have at whatever stage of life.

Speaker B: 00:19:11

And that was really the model that I had for self leadership.

Speaker B: 00:19:15

And then I had to add the last piece, which I found out in the last 12 months, which is the vitality piece.

Speaker B: 00:19:21

And that's about taking care of yourself.

Speaker B: 00:19:23

As you talk about so well the wellbeing part, we cannot ignore it because it doesn't matter if you're aware of your strengths and if your using flexible thinking and you're becoming emotionally regulated and you've got clear goals, if you've got no damn energy and you like just don't want to get out of bed in the morning because you're not eating well or you're not exercising or you're not taking time out, then it doesn't matter if you've got all those other skills.

Speaker B: 00:19:49

So vitality to me was the essential final ingredient in the recipe.

Speaker B: 00:19:54

And yeah, it's very much about in a compass, deciding who you want to be, how you want to show up, and making sure that you're well resourced to do that.

Speaker B: 00:20:04

And so to me it feels it's just a way of living your life, but a very aware, switched on way of living your life.

Speaker A: 00:20:12

Thanks so much to Angela I want to share a little bit of the audiobook of the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Toolkit and this is about the importance of self acceptance.

Speaker A: 00:20:22

And this gives you a little taster of what what the audiobook is feeling like it sounds like.

Speaker A: 00:20:28

And I really hope that would be a brilliant accompaniment to the book.

Speaker A: 00:20:31

Or if you just prefer to listen to it on audiobook, I promise you it'll be a wonderful listen.

Speaker A: 00:20:37

And I know that if you're a fan of the podcast, you'll really enjoy listening to the audiobook.

Speaker A: 00:20:41

So here is this clip.

Speaker A: 00:20:44

The Importance of Self Acceptance When I work with clients who are living with adhd, I can see their desperation to be fixed.

Speaker A: 00:20:52

But I want to tell you right here and now, as I was myself told, that you do not need fixing.

Speaker A: 00:20:59

The challenges we face are not our fault.

Speaker A: 00:21:01

They are rooted in our genes, in our biology, and are importantly, neurological.

Speaker A: 00:21:07

You're not lazy, stupid, rude, strange, scatty or selfish.

Speaker A: 00:21:12

You have ADHD with neurodivergent brain wiring which can have a daily impact on your mental and physical health, even if you don't feel it yet.

Speaker A: 00:21:21

You are completely brilliant and this book is here to show you how to lean into your cognitive capabilities.

Speaker A: 00:21:27

Finally, let go of all the conditioning, the shoulds, needs and ought tos and give yourself permission to thrive on your terms.

Speaker A: 00:21:36

We've been told all our lives that there's one linear, outdated way to get from A to B, but this simply isn't true.

Speaker A: 00:21:44

To put it plainly, you are allowed to be authentically you.

Speaker A: 00:21:48

You are allowed to live life more effortlessly and easily.

Speaker A: 00:21:51

And yes, this may look different to the path others are on, but different isn't wrong.

Speaker A: 00:21:56

It is time to set out your own journey.

Speaker A: 00:21:59

Who knows where it'll lead?

Speaker A: 00:22:02

So I hope you enjoyed listening to this shorter episode of the ADHD Women's Wellbeing Podcast.

Speaker A: 00:22:09

I've called it the ADHD Women's World Being Wisdom because I believe there's so much wisdom in the guests that I have on and their insights.

Speaker A: 00:22:17

So sometimes we just need that little bit of a reminder and I hope that has helped you today and look forward to seeing you back on the brand new episode on Thursday.

Speaker A: 00:22:26

Have a good rest of your week.